At what point does repeating the same stupid behavior change from foolish to a devastating pathology? I have sabotaged yet another relationship with my Jekyll and Hyde routine regarding sex. The routine is that I let expectations build in the relationship to the point where sex is a natural progression. When I realize that the moment for sex has arrived I walk away. It's happened periodically through my twenties, although primarily in the last three years. The moment arises and I can't say yes. I've forced myself to follow through and have sex a few times, and the sex was so awful I gave up on that route. In addition to this guilt I feel I'm approaching a deadline. As I watch the final months count down to 30 I can tell that it's harder to get hard. I'm more likely to be premature. The equipment just doesn't work as well as it once did.
How do I get past this? What bullshit barrier is in my head? A couple of times a girl has had her feelings really hurt when I said no. There they were physically and emotionally open to me and I was a big asshole. It'd be different if I was trying to live a celibate life but I still have the hunger. I still do what I can to create the opportunity for sex and then despite physically being all ready I stop at the penultimate moment.
How can I stop this decay and rewire my system?
i'm a right bastard