Concentric Storms

I was somewhere around happy/alone when my 30 year old self began looking for happy/together. The results at this point are not pretty.

I feel wiped out. My limbs have a heaviness to them. Thoughts, once taut and crisp, feel fuzzy and dampened. “Don’t think about her. Don’t think about her.” I spend time forcing myself to think about other things but inevitably I come back to her.

I change tactics and decide to embrace thoughts of her. “Well she did this shitty thing, and this shitty thing.” Then my brain realigns all my memories of her in a new way. It finds a pattern of deceit and carelessness in her actions I didn’t see before. Then I stop trusting my clever little brain since it’ll just show me what I want to see. So I trust my feelings and I remember she hasn’t felt strongly about me for years now. It was dumb to get caught up in her.