Old Man's Disease comes early

(April 11, 2003 - DALLAS, TX) Matt Midboe sits perched on the high-wire act that is being 29. It’s the last year of his life before the Sandmen come and take care of him. A ritual chillingly illustrated in the documentary Logan’s Run. This time would be difficult enough for the cheery, but thoughtful young man if it weren’t for an early onset of Old Man’s Disease (OMD).

Each day this past week has begun for him at 8am, without the aid of an alarm. He wakes up refreshed. Other symtoms of OMD include breakfasts of prunes, lettuce and toast but have not been spotted in Mr. Midboe yet. The rock-star lifestyle he’s used to typically includes sleeping later. Scientists are at loss to explain such an early onset.

In what might be early signs of a cantankerous attitude Mr. Midboe pondered “The years tend to blur together anyways. These spans of time are arbitrary anyway. What if we had 12 fingers instead of 10? Then I’d have six more years of life.” As OMD settles in Mr. Midboe quietly prepares for a life more pointless than it already is. Listening: If I Can’t Change Your Mind-Sugar-Copper Blue Feeling: objective