So what is it? everything

So what is it? everything gets edited a hundred times before it spills out your mouth. no courage. no guts. you go read something someone else wrote, kathy wrote, to see what that’s like. all that time spent with whores and bores looking for parts of her. it’s an insult to her doncha know. she was a lot more than that.but she was flawed too. flaws that seemed to put her on some collision course. and where were you again? hiding out that weekend vainly hoping she’d magically show up on your door step. hoping that was the great undiscovered country she sought. so many clues and you were too stupid to get them. as you sow, so shall you reap.and so it goes again you are wallowing in your white bread, middle class life. pretending. posing. some great truth eludes you and really it’s probably right there. but whining about love lost is so much easier than doing something. it’s easy to fantasize about how great things could be with k now that you’ve begun to catch up with her greatness, but she’d still be at least three to four years ahead of you if she was still here. but you feel like she’s here don’t you. more dreams than you’ve had in 20 years. every week or two there’s something new with her in it or around it. if only you were smart enough, good enough, bold enoough you could find her.

feels like your head’s going to split open talking like this doesn’t it? like someone’s really here and talking to you. but you’re the only one writing …i feel more normal now. the environs of work taking on a more solid role. and that pressure to produce is creeping back in. my lightheadness is fading. i’m falling apart. or at least yielding more and more to the plastic urge. plastic smiles. plastic responses. plastic feelings.

you want to post this. like a bulwark against the tides. but it might offend some people. people that are good and don’t need your toxic comments washing over them. people that would get praise for their great deeds if you weren’t so selfish and busy worshipping fallen idols. (false idols?) whatever. post it or not, you’re still the same.