"Today Leia sent Ruraidh a

“Today Leia sent Ruraidh a letter telling him to stop chasing her. She asked me to proof it. I did and was quite detached about the whole thing. A little bit after that she told me about her date with Michael tonight. She had refused Ruraidh the opportunity to have a tete-a-tete. She spouted some sort of noblesse oblige about not wanting to date friends in her clique and that she wasn’t interested in dating. Well hows that for a big fuck you. She wants my friendship, even says “I love you” to keep it. She wants to tell me about her dates and then not take any responsibility for how that makes me feel.

I know it’s dumb to tell her not to tell me. That hurts too. I know it’s dumb to tell her she can’t do that. Really, it’s dumb to be hurt. I tell myself it’s her apparent hypocrisy that really stings, so it’s her fault. But that’s not it really. It’s just another case were someone needs/wants (is there a difference?) the other one more. I get the feeling that while she’s dating other people we can’t be friends.”

I wrote that in my paper journal and then I made the mistake of calling her to tell we can’t be friends while she’s dating other people. I don’t think she gets how it hurts to be in the same house with her while she gets ready to go on a date with some other guy. It stings just that much more when she won’t call a spade a spade and admit she’s dating other people. She was hurt when I called. She summoned up all her stoicism to let me know I could not hurt her, that I had no effect on her. She carelessly reminded me that we are over and she can do whatever she wants, or something like that. Because then I let loose with a viscious tirade that was meant to hurt. It left a mark. She hung up.

Immediate regret at what I’d done. I called back and didn’t expect her to answer. To my surprise she answered. I apologized profusely but she wouldn’t accept it. It ended with a plea to talk to tonight which I think she agreed to. It was hard to hear her over the cell phone.