#Personal

Tuesday Christina and I swapped

Aug 2, 2001 Tuesday Christina and I swapped

Tuesday Christina and I swapped a bunch of emails which ended with her saying she would call me that night or Wednesday morning. I sort of didn’t expect her to call as she hasn’t initiated any communication except for email for the past two or three weeks. For my part I had been stoically reminding myself that I would not call her or go see her because dammit I’m not going to play the wide-eyed puppy dog chasing after her. I successfully followed that plan, despite longing to be near her again.

i've been reading through Kathy's

Jul 29, 2001 i've been reading through Kathy's

i’ve been reading through Kathy’s emails to me again. she was the best friend i ever had. i haven’t let go, or whatever they fucking call it, because i still feel like i could get in touch with her if i just looked hard enough, or was clever enough. i’m still awed by Kathy’s genius and perseverance. i…we could have been so happyangrysadecstaticinspiredloved if we had committed to one and other. there at the end she found that for me and i said no. too scared, too average. what do you do when the person you should have been with dies before you truly understood how deeply connected the two of you were? i guess you learn to be alone…maybe you play with the half-hearted xerox copies of Kathy that you meet over the years and pretend.