i've been reading through Kathy's

i’ve been reading through Kathy’s emails to me again. she was the best friend i ever had. i haven’t let go, or whatever they fucking call it, because i still feel like i could get in touch with her if i just looked hard enough, or was clever enough. i’m still awed by Kathy’s genius and perseverance. i…we could have been so happyangrysadecstaticinspiredloved if we had committed to one and other. there at the end she found that for me and i said no. too scared, too average. what do you do when the person you should have been with dies before you truly understood how deeply connected the two of you were? i guess you learn to be alone…maybe you play with the half-hearted xerox copies of Kathy that you meet over the years and pretend.

i think you become a clock watcher. waiting till the day you die, and the quest for her begins again. you hope you’ll try harder or be clever enough this time.