[Special note: I've been keeping

[Special note: I’ve been keeping a written journal for about four and a half years now. I’ve always kept them private till now. This is the first entry written since my decision to start blogging. Who knows, maybe they’re so awful they should stay private. :)]

Irving Park at Story 16:57

I find myself at yet another park in yet another city. I’ve spent time in hundreds of them around the country. Finding a park was often the first thing I did when arriving in a new city or town. I think I’m drawn to them because I know all the rules of a park. They are the same where ever you go. I never worry about upsetting someone else. Also I can get away from people. They clutter my life. People rarely go to a park. Even in a downtown park I’m typically the only one there. It’s clean. Just me watching the ebb and flow between man and nature.

I came here today to think. I’m wasting my time at Dave’s place. I’ve got this great resource and I’m not getting the most out of it. Today I found myself surfing to kill time like I was bored at a 9-5 gig. What a stupid thing to do. I should have jumped to the next thing. I’ve got lots of things still to do. I can’t prioritize them. It’s like schizophrenia. I can’t filter all the inputs.

Although one overriding input is Kathy. Thoughts of her always rise above the din. Anguish over what I’ve lost. Guilt about what I didn’t do. Fear that now I’m destined to be alone. She wasn’t perfect but she’s the paragon of my paramours. At least in the relationships since Kathy’s death they’ve been short lived as one or the other of us broke things off. Also I feel like I’ve made it a habit to prey on the wounded or weak, but maybe everyone is.

The other day at Chipotle with Dave, Kathy came up. I think he said “It sounds like you really loved this girl.” I immediately felt my eyes tear up, but nothing was spilled and I kept it all inside.