Tuesday Christina and I swapped

Tuesday Christina and I swapped a bunch of emails which ended with her saying she would call me that night or Wednesday morning. I sort of didn’t expect her to call as she hasn’t initiated any communication except for email for the past two or three weeks. For my part I had been stoically reminding myself that I would not call her or go see her because dammit I’m not going to play the wide-eyed puppy dog chasing after her. I successfully followed that plan, despite longing to be near her again.

Tuesday evening came and went with no call, and Wednesday morning was evaporating rapidly as I packed the car to get out of Dodge and move things to Dallas. Right around 9:30am Ryan called wanting to know if I wanted to go get coffee with her. She felt like things had ended awkwardly between us the day before and she didn’t want me to leave like that. I told her that I would have to call Christina first since she had mentioned something about calling me. I called Christina’s house and as usual she wasn’t there so I left a message telling her I was going to go get something to drink with Ryan before I left. This seems to have set a really awful mood for the whole rest of the morning because Ryan felt slighted by it. When I met up with her she spent most of the time berating and belittling me, until I just stood up, walked out the door and drove to Dallas.

I was bummed that Christina hadn’t called at all. I don’t know why she would bother to say she would if she couldn’t call me. Granted I could have technically given her two more hours to call me Wednesday morning. I called her at work later that day to say I was sorry we didn’t get to hook up before I went out of town. She didn’t really seem that upset by it. She could be though. I don’t know. I’ve tried guessing at her emotions before and been utterly, and completely wrong. She keeps answering my emails and making an effort to stay in touch, but it seems like the bare minimum.

I want to chase after her so badly. She seems trapped inside the Bell Jar, with all the stale air leaving her numb. I remember how lively and vibrant she was in the beginning and now it seems as though she’s sick all the time and worn down. The most frustrating part is knowing that she is truly the only one that can pull herself out of it. If I want to chase then I have to be patient and wait it out and hope I don’t get trapped along the way. Another part of me (a weaker/smarter part?) says don’t waste your time she’s done with you she just doesn’t have the courage to say it. As Tom Reagan from Miller’s Crossing would put it, “Nothing more foolish than a man chasing his hat.”